Enough is not enough

So I’m seeing a therapist.  A lot of guys (and girls) see therapists.  There’s nothing wrong with having a therapist on your payroll.  My therapist is named Dr LaDonna Clarke.  The doctorate is in psychology, not medicine, just to clarify.

Anyway, we talked about the concept of “enough”.  As in good enough, strong enough, smart enough, etc.  And how, instead of trying to beat myself up when I’m not the best at something, I need to sit back and say that I did enough.  So I’m supposed to think about that and journal about it.

Um, no.  It all reads real good when she says it, but when it comes down to how it actually happens in my life, in the real world of the EPL, enough isn’t enough.  No, that doesn’t mean I expect to be perfect, but what it does mean is that when I’m not, there had better be something I can point to.  Sometimes it’s me.  Sometimes it’s not.  If it’s outside my control, then, yeah, I did enough.  But if it’s something wrong I did or something right I didn’t do, then, no, it wasn’t enough.  And I can’t pretend like it was.

Maybe she’s trying to make a different point, something that I’m not quite grasping.  But when your ERA is bigger than your shoe size, like mine was last week, then you have to say to yourself, “it isn’t enough.”

Speaking of enough–I took enough Vallium. Not enough to kill me but more than is healthy and, needless to say, I’m taking something else now (anaxapro). And of course I feel bad about it.  It’s effing *embarrassing* to have people feeling sorry for you because they think you’re on the brink.  And tiptoeing around the whole subject.  Dammit, I’m fine.  I made a mistake–well, okay, a *series* of mistakes–but no, I’m not ready to throw in the towel.

And *that* right there is the trouble I think Dr. Clarke was getting at.  Sometimes I try too hard. I need to recognize that there is stuff I just can’t *do* and act accordingly.  Maybe what she means is that if I try my best that the trying is enough, whether or not I succeed.  You can’t measure “try” though.  You can measure success and failure.

The good news is, on the road between success and failure, my pitching seems to be pointed in the right direction. Two shutouts in a row.  And I’m stepping up the ladder of difficulty, though the next step’s a doozy.  Lancaster.

What happened — a synopsis

April 15: I got drunk. I had some Jim Beam in the house and decided that now was the designated time.

That’s not a bad thing. Getting drunk, I mean. Doing it alone at my house was not the smartest thing I ever did but I had finally gotten back on track as the pitcher I know I can me and then we lost the game and I was feeling sorry for myself. So me and my guitar, Petal, were spending some quality time together along with the booze. And I took some of my medicine. Okay, I’m supposed to take it 4 times a day, so it was getting late (early?  It was light outside) and I didn’t remember if I took it or not when I first got home.

So I took a double dose. Plus a little extra because I was feeling anxiety and uncertainty about my life as a pitcher and the way the baseball gods seemed to want to piss on me and my starts. And that, with the bourbon, was enough to make me sleepy. I headed off toward bed after I put Petal away.

April 16: I don’t remember falling asleep but I do remember waking up. In a hospital. They said I’d ODed on my Valium and that I was lucky someone found me (that someone being my trainer who has a key to the place). And it wasn’t for another day that they let me near a computer.

April 17: So you are now caught up on what happened. I had to see a psychiatrist and I explained what occurred and that, despite what it looked like, I wasn’t trying to get myself killed. She consulted with Dr. White and determined that it was safe for me to go home. So tomorrow morning I’m checking out.

I think the word “embarrassing” fits here.  I mean, yeah, it’s 2019 and it’s okay to be out of the closet as an anxiety-sufferer.  But this is just … bad.

I’m not letting it stop me.  I will be on the mound for my next start against the Crush on the 20th.

Free Agency – Update Last – Whiskers

I may very well have pissed off half the league….I might not even bother with free agency in the future. Yes, it’s flattering to get attention but I always end up pissing someone off. I guess that’s why God invented agents.

It’s not that I even go about setting out to cause trouble. It’s just that I seem to be a trouble magnet. What got the ball rolling is that I posted in here that I’d gotten an e-mail from a club whose GM referred to me as a “true ace” which doesn’t seem like that big of a deal.

It was made into a big deal. At some point, I said “jump” and he said, “how high?” And there you have it. When I left names out, the people who I thought needed to know would all be able to go, yeah, I know who you mean, but the rest of the league wouldn’t have to know other than some other GM. But, well, you saw what happened in the media.

It turns out that both of these have their roots in the same place. GMs will say whatever they think will make you want to sign with them. Suuuuure, I’m the true of that franchise. That’s the EPL equivalent of I’ll respect you in the morning. Suuuuure the GM will quit the league if he doesn’t sign a big name free agent *like me*. That’s the EPL equivalent of “I’m going to kill myself if you won’t give me a pity fuck.”

Now, I’m sure the controversy is going in some minds again. Really though, from here there are two parts. A) Was it okay to let people know that Volde….er He Who Must Not Be Named said I was his true ace? I have to say yes. What he objected to was that I shared private e-mail. Um, if you don’t want the idea of Ryan Rose being a “true ace” being spread across cyberspace, maybe you don’t want to be saying it. Probably because you don’t *mean* it and probably because you say it to *all* the fA pitchers.

And B) Was it okay to tell the league that GMs are trying to guilt me into signing with them? People were more upset about the way I told people than by what I said. That tells me something too. *Many* GMs probably tell any and all free agents that they’re “big names” and many of them try this tack on other people too.

***

Back to the beginning. I’m a Catfish now. The blue is beautiful, the coral, not so much so. But remember what I said about GMs in the above paragraph…well, there were three who were not pressuring me to sign. Wichita (obviously), Corpus, and Florida. Florida said specifically to my agent that we could take “as much time as we need”. The other two didn’t phrase it like that but it was a mutual understanding.

And while Thunder and I don’t share a clubhouse, we’re in the same division so I look forward to a lot of head-to-head as well as leaderboard competition.

This should be an interesting year for the ‘Fish. They had a surprisingly strong season last year and now Luebke is bringing in the pieces he needs to build a contender. But so did Bakic bring in pieces. That’s why they play the games, guys, thats why they play the game.

Free Agency – Update Five – He Said, She Said

They say that any press is good press so I’ve been getting some good press recently. People are talking about me and where I’ll sign and whether my part-ownership of the Twisters somehow threatens the integrity of the league.

I’ve been quoted as saying contradictory things to different people. Turns out they’re all true in different frameworks. For example, I said I needed to bring a pitcher in to Wichita, even if it were me. That I would need to see who went where to know if that was going to happen. I *also* said I did not want to go to Wichita (which annoyed TJ–he worked hard on an awesome offer), but I tried to clarify … if we promised a top-notch pitcher to JT, and if we can’t get someone else, then I would be willing to sign. I did not want that as a first option. I think it was heard as “Wichita is the last team I’d play for” and that is very far from what I’d meant.

I’ve also heard “If this FA signs with Wichita, Rose will sign with *that* team.” I was there, for some reason, when this all happened and nowhere were promises made about If a then b. I did say if we signed a pitcher in Wichita that I’d be free to consider other offers that I may not otherwise consider.

Here’s the thing though. I talked to our recently extended catcher in Wichita and he said that he understood where ownership was coming from but that, no, it didn’t violate any covenant we had with him for Rose to go off and sign with whomever even if another pitcher wasn’t found.

This was relatively recent and not necessarily something I wanted to share. I mean, it gives me an excuse if I don’t want to pitch for someone to say that I’m going to Wichita. To my mind, it’s more polite than telling them their offer sucked or that they sucked for not sending an offer when they said they would. Or for acting unprofessionally toward my agent. Some people it would just suck to play for and maybe I don’t want to out and out say that.

And while we’re on the theme of suckage. 3 different GMs told me “super duper double secretly” that they are thinking about quitting if I don’t join their team. Now, the old me, prior to my association with Dr. White, would have me signing with one of them (probably the first one whose name I promised would never grace this blog again). But the new me doesn’t hold with this crap. The league will go on. And isn’t this collusion? GMs telling each other I’m more likely to sign if they threaten to quit.

Anyway, I looked at actual offers and discussed details and came up with some understandings.

Short list, in alphabetical order.

Corpus – good understanding of the incentive issue
Florida – variety of incentives and the mobile device thingie
Philly – Jeremy Martin knows why his name was crossed off this list.

Two names not on the list are those of people who had expressed interest in 1-year deals but who never communicated to me what they were trying to accomplish. If their goal was to annoy me then they may have achieved it.

Las Vegas
New York

They always show up together, within seconds of one another, asking me about a 1 year deal and when I ask for an actual firm offer they shy away. My guess is they’re working for Guido and are just trying to harass me. Whatever. If someone quits because I don’t sign a 1-year deal I haven’t even seen, then it’s probably not a loss to the league.

We interrupt this program

I have some personal business to take care of. That comes first.

Free Agency – Update Four – What’s in a name?

…That which we call Ryan Rose, by any other name would smell of sweat.

And that’s the extent of my Shakespearean knowledge. Well, not quite true, I learned a song about Hamlet in high school English class.

Today I ask the question because that’s part of the puzzle. What name do I want to be? I know I won’t be a Bull or several other things, but what will I be? I think the only teams with baseball names I don’t like are already crossed off the list. And I’m not going to enumerate them because if you’re looking at this, you can read.

Brussels
Chicago
Cincy
Corpus Christi
Florida
Lancaster
Las Vegas
Myrtle Beach
Nashville
New Jersey
New York
Philadelphia
San Francisco
Wichita

Chandler in CC made a comment about my comment about Wichita having the best clause ever. It concerned the likelihood that I’d sign with someone making a lower offer than he was. Newsflash, it’s not about the money.

I talked to Luebke in Florida and was impressed by his professionalism and by a few of the things he said.

Las Vegas referred to my agent as “pookie” and I guess if that’s the level of professionalism he brings to the table then maybe I don’t want to be a part of that organization. I’ll give him another chance though.

New York expressed interest in a one-year “trial run” But no firm offer so maybe that’s just bravado.

Philadelphia has been around but not really communicative since their offer And I have history with the GM that leads me to believe there’s a similar situation there to Vegas. He just doesn’t out-and-out disrespect me with overly-familiar false endearments.

Wichita may have the best clause ever but they have little money. I’d rather see some particular one else sign there but it’s not happening and whatever else, the reason I’m indebted to the bank is that I borrowed money to finance the purchase of the Twisters. I invested $8M in them last season. And once I dig myself out of my little hole, I’ll be putting in more.

I may have negative cashflow right this instant but I have a revenue stream that will fi it. I’ll be concentrating on than instead of my pitching so don’t look to see much improvement during the off-season.

When I say people don’t get the money thing, I mean they don’t get it. I have guys offering me $10-15M dollars and that’s nice and flattering amount wise in the “higher offer=higher esteem” kinda way, but it’s more than I need and I have never been the kind of guy to hoard money in my account.

Free Agency – Update Three – Let me hear it

Brussels
Chicago
Cincy
Corpus Christi
Florida
Lancaster
Las Vegas
Myrtle Beach
Nashville
New Jersey
New York
Philadelphia
San Francisco
Wichita

Well, it’s a new year, a new season and I’ve got actual offers in hand from a couple of teams. One team at a time, in alphabetical order.

Chandler, the GM of Corpus seems to really have a grasp of the incentive thing. It’s not about the money, it’s about the kudos. And he’s found a way to offer me what I want in a way that wouldn’t look too bad on his balance sheet. Which in turn means he would be able to use that money that isn’t going into my pocket to do things for the team. There are other things, too, but that’s the main thing that impressed me. I still have a few things I’d like to discuss with him, but it looks pretty good.

I have to say that I was also impressed with the offer from Florida. I don’t think I can describe adequately the breadth of incentives Luebke offered me. I have said that I want every incentive appropriate for a pitcher and he lists some I’d never heard of. That’s impressive in a way, but on the other hand, I question how he would be able to afford all of that. And there’s an issue of who would do the bookkeeping on it. So I need to get together with him and clarify a few things.

****

Talked to Vegas (again), NY and Philly (again). Corpus sent me a revised offer and Philly sent me an initial offer.

I heard a rumor that everyone just assumes I’m going to Corpus. Now, I do have a good relationship with their front office, but nothing is decided yet, in any direction. Assuming that it’s a real rumor. Because the second half of “Rumor is you’re going to sign with CC anyway…” is ” … so prove them wrong and sign with me.” Um, yeah, that is not a compelling reason.

Corpus has offered to do billboards for me to commemorate special accomplishments as well as my ordinary goodness. Putting my picture out there is kinda cool and is one of those non-money things that I love so much. There are other cool non-monetary things. I am still amazed with his answer to my incentive demands.

And everyone knows about the soap.

Florida agree to meet with me today so I think I can get some of my questions answered and confusion clarified.

And I got an offer from Philly with a base salary that leads me to wonder how he feeds his kids. And whether there will be enough in the coffers come incentive time to give me what’s due. He doesn’t “get” it. The team/GM will help me with media relations so as to maximize my exposure. And media coverage is important to help land those endorsement deals. One of the issues I’ve had in the past is getting someone who will work with me and discuss my progress on an ongoing bases. This is where media begins … discovering things to say about me.

I think LV and NY don’t know what to make of my wanting incentives, though I thought I heard a gleeful cry of “League Minimum!!!” from the Gladiators office so I know they got the salary half right in their minds. Maybe they miss some of the subtlety but the overall idea is that a large salary doesn’t impress me so much as the incentive side of things.

That’s approximately alphabetical order. I’m trying to keep this fair. I seriously am waiting for someone to understand me and my needs instead of treat me like Big Name Free Agent #540. I don’t mean that people aren’t trying, but I’m enough different from the usual guy that I take getting used to.

***

I am not going to Chicago after the stunt Kibbie’s nephew (cousin? stepbrother?) pulled. I wrote him an article based on what he said and then he published it when it was a lie. He also offered me lots of millions of dollars. Maybe he can’t read.

***

Heard from Wichita. Best. Clause. Ever.

***

Turns out Chicago is broke.

***

Also turns out I owe the bank over $3M.

Free Agency – Update Two – Holding pattern

This will be short. So far, the teams I’ve talked to …

Brussels
Cincy
Corpus Christi
Florida
Lancaster
Las Vegas
Myrtle Beach
Nashville
New Jersey
Philadelphia
San Francisco
Wichita

***

Achilles is unhappy with me for quoting that little snippet about my being NJ’s true ace. I can’t figure out why though. I’m one of NJ’s own and a true ace. As Twisters owner, New Jersey is also my division rival so I don’t have a lot of interest in signing there anyway, even if the clubhouse there has always had a special sort of chemistry. And I miss Hypnophobia.

As for Nashville, I just can’t see myself going back there. At least not this season. I don’t want to rule out a return in the future but Kaell and I have an understanding about this. Now isn’t right.

I will need serious convincing to pitch alongside Mimi Martin. And that’s all I’m going to say about that.

As for Myrtle Beach, they’re also a division rival. Someone got the idea that I wouldn’t go to a “rebuilding” team when they heard that I wasn’t seriously interested, but I have other reasons for not going there. Unless Wichita becomes the next dynasty, then we’ll see. Remember it goes in this progression: Champion, back-to-back, three-peat, dynasty. Should that happen, then MB would interest me. (NJ too but I didn’t type that out loud).

A couple of the guys on this list aren’t very active. They know who they are and I understand that some of them have reasons. But I’d want to personally chat with them if they’re serious.

Free Agency – Update One – Having Nightmares …

Before anything else.   About the colors.  Scarlet and gray.  Love ’em or hate ’em.   Go Bucks!

***

I heard from Achilles today. Yes, *that* Achilles the one who said Thunder and I were unwelcome to return to the Nightmare’s clubhouse.  Well, something changed his mind because he sent me an e-mail that said, in part that he would like to welcome back the Nightmares’ “true ace”.

And, well, you know me, I wrote a song about it, which I sent back. Get out your harmonica because this is the blues …

Say you’ll give me your money
Say you’ll give me your love
Well I’m tellin’ you baby
That it won’t be enough
Yeah you had lots of chances
But you told me to go …woah woah
It’s a little too late now
And I thought you should know

Say you’ll give me your money
But I don’t want a dime
Say you’ll give me your lovin’
But you don’t have the time
Yeah you had lots of chances
But you told me to go … woah woah
It’s a little too late now
And I thought you should know

Say you’ll give me your money
And whatever I need
I don’t care if you beg me
I don’t care if you plead
Yeah you had lots of chances
But you told me to go … woah, woah
It’s a little too late now
And I thought you should know.

I thought of saying something back when those rumors were published but I wanted the chance to discuss it with Achilles and not just post something in the media. And I especially didn’t want to waste my breath if all of what he’s said on record were true about my never again wearing the Nightmare pinstripes.

My money was with Achilles following up with what he said in public. Not approaching me about coming back. I must say, after all the bad press, it took cojones.

***

Talked to Chandler again in CC and he told me basically that he’s interested but wants me to let him know when I am ready to hear from him. I like that.

Free Agency – Update Zero – In the beginning …

Staring at the beginning.  I’m a FA.  I have permission to discuss my future with anyone who cares.  And I’ve told people that I’m not prepared to start seriously talking until after end-of-season awards.  The reason I solicited Pancakes permission to talk to people was that I just wanted to be able to have casual conversation about free agency without having to do any verbal gymnastics to stay on the right side of the tampering rules.

So I’ve got some ideas in mind but I don’t know how coherent they are yet.

I will not be a Lynx.  Really.  I don’t want to work out of the bullpen and Wandy is loyal enough to his pitchers that the only place he’d be able to find for me would be in the pen. He didn’t say that, but he did say that Lancaster wasn’t interested in me.  One can draw one’s own conclusions.

The Threshers want me.  Bad.  I’m hearing all kinds of promises in the dark from Martin but the truth is, to my mind they’re second tier in who I’m considering.  He doesn’t communicates with me on an ongoing basis.  But now it’s like he thinks we’re best buds.  I really have reservations for playing for a GM whose door isn’t always open.

I’ve talked to the Eugling half of Myrtle Beach.  And Bakic in LV and Chandler in Corpus.

What I’m telling people is that I want to wait and see what happens with a couple other guys.  I want to see where Thunder ends up because, although I might not follow him to whatever team, I’d prefer to not be too far away.  I want to share leaderboards with him so I can easily track how I’m outperforming him while he robs me of another CYA.

***

Okay, the heart of the matter. What am I looking for?

If you know me, then you know.  And if you don’t, I might not want to play for you because you didn’t care enough to find out.  But to lay it out for eveyrone.  I don’t care so much about my salary–I have a website business.   I do, however, care about incentives.  Not how much each one is–there again, I have money.   But I want to get a little monetary recognition for what I do on the mound.  I still have a sore spot about pitching my first no-no and getting nothing in my pocket.  I didn’t want millions, but just a little anything.  If you can think of a monetary incentive appropriate for a pitcher, then I want it.  And if I can think of one and you can’t, I still want it.

***

I’ll update this with new information and my thoughts as time goes on.