The Truth

I am suffering from anxiety. I have been diagnosed by a psychiatrist. He has prescribed medication for me and he says that once spring training is underway, I should be over it. He said it’s not unusual for pitchers to feel some level of anxiety when they are waiting for their turn to take the ball. This is especially true in the context of a big series.

And, well, I never had a chance to redeem myself after my disastrous Game 4. Now, I don’t want to put anything off on my teammates. They did their best. But the truth is, I lost that game for us and it was a blow to our team morale. Peter Gammons was the most prominent person to say that the loss broke our spirit but other people said it, too. No one in our clubhouse, though, at least not openly.

I can’t answer if that’s true. I only know that I should’ve won that game. That I was tired and had a stiff elbow does not change that fact. If anything, it should’ve made me more focused and able to get it done. That’s what happened in Game 1 when I first tweaked it.

I was ready to pitch Game 7. I had rehabbed the elbow and was ready to go. But there was no Game 7. And that’s the source of my problem. Being ready and willing, but not having the opportunity.

And, in the future, although I may have a similar opportunity, it won’t be that one. I need to let it go. And I’m sure I’ll get to the point where I will. A couple turns on the mound should be all it takes. Hell, Kaell shut me out twice and I came back to triumph. This shouldn’t be a problem and I can’t answer why it is.

I’m also seeing a therapist to try to answer that last part. Why I’m not picking up and moving on.

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